by Wanda Święćkowska
On social media we can observe a surge of the “nonchalant” trend. According to Cambridge Dictionary[1] such behaviour means acting in a cold manner suggesting that you do not care. Thousands of #nonchalant used online indicate the popularity of this trend. The question why this is the case can be answered when reflecting upon today’s culture and circumstances. Despite the many opportunities that new technology provides us with, we find ourselves overwhelmed, inadequate and replaceable. We face many rejections from workplaces, educational institutions and sponsorships. Not to mention the social world where we do not get to participate in as many events and happenings as we would want. Encountering rejection might make one feel small and irrelevant, as we are all competing for attention with many more people due to world wide web connection. We tell ourselves it does not matter, we pretend we do not care, are indifferent and shy away from showing our true emotions. This pretending might be a coping mechanism to handle distress and disappointment associated with rejection.
In various languages, to describe the magnitude of emotional pain, such as ‘heartbreak’, words that refer to physical pain like “injured” or “damaged” are used. It is accurate as the hurt we feel when faced with social rejection doesn’t simply hurt in an emotional sense, it hurts physically as well[2]. Psychologist Ethan Kross and his colleagues scanned the brains of participants whose romantic partners had recently broken up with them. The brain regions associated with physical pain (secondary somatosensory cortex and dorsal posterior insula) lit up as the participants viewed photographs of their exes[3].
The largest target group of ‘nonchalant trend’ is GenZ – individuals born in the late 1990s and early 2010s. It can be that rejection and lack of success in dating and romantic domain characterises this generation and can be one of the sources of the nonchalant behaviour. Gen Z is infamous for being ‘undateable’ as for being the most single generation in the century. The Survey Center on American Life found that only 56 percent of Gen Z adults said they were involved in a romantic relationship at any point during their teenage years. This represents a remarkable drop from previous generations, where teenage dating was much more common. Baby Boomers (78 percent) and Generation Xers (76 percent) report having had a boyfriend or girlfriend as teenagers[4].
Although this unfortunate singlehood pattern can be observed in young women, it is observed in a greater proportion among young men. Forty-four percent of Gen Z men today report having no relationship experience at all during their teen years[4].
The opposite of being nonchalant is to care, show emotions and be vulnerable. This has historically and still is not acceptable among men that experience the societal pressure to be unbothered, unmoved and nonchalant, stoic about the world, and do not show emotions. It is therefore no surprise that the online trend finds among its followers way more male than females. It is considered inappropriate for men to show vulnerability, especially in public spaces. A study from 2017 found that men who cry at work are perceived as more emotional and less competent than women who cry[5]. And when men make themselves vulnerable by disclosing a weakness at work, they are perceived to have lower status[6].
Showing vulnerability however is a key factor in building a strong relationship. Intimacy and emotional connection trigger oxytocin release, a ‘love hormone’, which is responsible for building deep connections and feeling attached to one another[7]. Oxytocin increases willingness to trust others[8] by enhancing both emotional and cognitive empathy. It has also an anxiety-reducing effect which can modulate the body’s stress response[9]. In order to build a deep human connection with all the benefits it provides it is crucial to be vulnerable. This therefore leads to the vicious cycle of men who do not want to show vulnerability and think they need to uphold a certain stoic image, which is then stopping them from having relationships that they seek and want. They are being rejected and are using the coping mechanism of the nonchalant unbothered facade when in fact that facade is pulling them away from the ability to enter a relationship in the first place. They are getting further and further away, where the positive feedback loop exacerbates the starting situation.
The desire to stay cool, and consequently liked by others, which hypocritically being nonchalant provides will not be fulfilled by its cold demeanor towards others. Scientific research has shown that the way to be liked is to mirror other moods. Mirroring, commonly known as the ‘Chameleon effect’,’ is an unconscious mimicry of other people’s behavior, embedded in the mirror neuron system. These nerve cells automatically trigger us to imitate the actions that we observe, so simply perceiving someone else’s behavior increases the likelihood of unconsciously doing the same movement[10].
In 1999 two psychologists – Chartrand and Bargh, investigated the correlation of an unconscious mimicry behavior and likeability. They conducted an experiment where participants were sent to an interview. With half of the subjects, the interviewers maintained a calm, seated position. In another group, interviewers mimicked the mannerism of other subjects, so they touched their face or waggled their feet as when the participant did. Afterwards, subjects were asked to rate how much they liked the interviewer. The participants whose moves had been imitated had rated their interviewers higher than the subjects who had not been mirrored. This indicates that resonating with someone’s mood and not showing indifference might make them like you more[11].
Aligned with this theory is this statement can be found in the notion of the famous philosopher and psychologist, Erich Fromm, contained in his book ‘ The art of loving’. He brought up the idea that ‘real love comes when you take time to explore another person’s story’. It is related to the fact that showing interest in others makes them feel heard and understood and by resonating with someone’s energy, we show our empathy towards them which creates a stronger bond and deeper connection.[12].
Mysteriousness associated with being nonchalant might be considered alluring and being unfazed is often perceived as charismatic. However, it differs a lot from self-confidence, because its carelessness repels others. People who are self-confident own their unique identity by expressing their emotions freely without a fear of rejection, which can be much more attractive than indifference in people who “don’t know” and “don’t care”.
Works Cited:
1) NONCHALANT | English meaning – Cambridge Dictionary
2) Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain – PubMed
3) Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain – PubMed
4) Gen Z’s Romance Gap: Why Nearly Half of Young Men Aren’t Dating – The Survey Center on American Life
8) Oxytocin increases trust in humans | Nature
10) Mirror neuron system – PubMed
11) The chameleon effect: the perception-behavior link and social interaction – PubMed12) The Art of loving : Erich Fromm : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
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